Spring Cleaning Guide.
It never really goes the way you imagine it to go.
I intended on abstaining from sugary, desserty gloriousness and Facebook for lent. That never happened. I was going strong for about four days, when God decided that He wanted to withdraw from me, my comfort. He had plans for me to hand over much more than just a warm slice of winterberry pie à la mode from my favorite local pie shop, or a few status updates proclaiming my deep emotional connection to Thai food, sushi, and the impeccable raw curry cabbage and cauliflower recipe I had freshly discovered. I say, “God decided” because I felt like I didn’t have much of a choice. It was either, be obedient. Or, be obedient. You can take a wild guess at which one I elected.
I gave it all up.
I gave up listening to lies about myself that had been spoken over me all my life: lies about what it looked like to be successful, lies about how flawlessness is the minimal requirement in order to reach out to others or make a difference, and lies about needing to appear “put together” all the time (…whatever that even means). I gave up security. I gave up familiarity. I gave up opportunities. I walked away from relationships I had spent years building and investing in, and time I know I will never get back. I dropped projects I had devoted my heart to and still one hundred and ten percent, believe in. I abandoned hopes, and I surrendered dreams.
Number Two Pencils Only.
I parked myself on the living room couch, and out flowed tears. Streams of tears. Enough tears to replenish the water supply here in California. I could have drowned myself in them. That’s how I felt in that moment. Like I was sinking in an ocean of uncertainty, frustration, and the unknowns of this health excursion that began back during my junior year of college. I had all the questions, but no explanations. “If only I could identify the root cause of all this. How can I relieve myself from this pain without harming my body more? How could I be so frail and broken, and yet, no one can figure out what is wrong? Should I do this treatment? What about the side effects? If only I could pinpoint exactly what it is that is causing all this activity. Then, it would be a whole lot easier. If only…”
It’s a Confetti Party, and You’re Invited.
Life Advisory: Unavailable.
No one ever cautioned me about life’s whirlwind of adventures. I wish someone would have. I wish they had alerted me about how unfair life would seem sometimes. That, you could be responsible and try to do all the things right but still, your world could come crashing down all around you. I wish they had told me about how perfection is completely unattainable, that failures and mistakes are inevitable, and how your deepest dreams and desires could potentially burn up in flames and turn to ashes. True story, the world can be outrageous.
I’m Dusting Off Those Little Jars.
I once had someone tell me I couldn’t let my stories sit in little jars on a shelf left to collect dust. I ignored it for so long. I wasn’t brave enough. I didn’t think I had it in me. I felt too broken. All I wanted to do was sweep all that dust under the carpet and leave it there completely concealed. And then I read a line somewhere that God creates magnificently beautiful things out of dust.
